Title: 17 March 2020

The 21st anniversary of my father’s passing. Just another day for some. An annual reminder for me to take nothing for granted.

I was on a flight home from Sun City. The world had just gone mad. Thousands were dying in Italy. Everything was about to change.

I wrote this:

“Inevitable walk down memory lane revisiting milestones and memories, the goods and bads, rights and wrongs, relishes and regrets. Wonder to myself how I got here and where I am going.

Times like this we are reminded how preciously fragile and short life is. We are all fighting demons, trying to make someone proud, or at best not disappoint someone.

Step back from reality. Take a moment and spare a thought for yourself, those passed and those present. Push your boundaries, take a dip in the ocean. Life is short, live and enjoy every moment.”

By then I had already stopped drinking. Ended my 25 year marriage. Moved out of home.

A couple of days later I called my staff together and told them the world as we know it was about to change. A week later we went into lockdown.

I started walking. 10km per day. Reflecting on who I was and how I had become that person.

Eventually enlisted the help of a therapist, who suggested Serdep. This made a massive difference to my overactive brain. However, I became subdued. Monotone. I had lost my base emotions. I was numb — but aware of what was going on.

The numbness allowed me to work on myself without overwhelming interference. It allowed me to identify triggers and how I react to them. And most importantly — the damaging effects they have on my body.

I became aware of how ugly my reactions were. The damage they caused to relationships. I was embarrassed. Ashamed of who I was and the perceptions I had created of myself.

These were hard facts to swallow.

I knew, under the surface, was a gentle, kind soul with the best intentions. Just without the coping skills of life.